Random mind

Leeds, 22.55 pm.

It's been 6 days after the last time I submitted my last two assignments. I should have started reading and writing for my dissertation right away, but I didn't. I waste my time over thinking of many things. And my mood changes easily lately.

A friend changes her plan and it affects mine. Another friend kind of persuades me to pay for something I, myself, not even sure to use what he offers. Then, my lecturer doesn't reply to my email; I am afraid that I am being too stubborn or perfectionist; was it something I say?. I would like to focus on my dissertation but I have yet to finish my responsibility as the steering committee. No. I don't regret my decision to take part as a committee. It's my fault, I cannot manage my time wisely. I feel like, other committees, my friends, have just realised my "complicatedness", my perfectionist trait, and I feel like some of them compromise against me. There is another friend. It seems that she just thinks about herself. I don't know whether she couldn't understand my words or what, but I have made it obvious I will help her after I finish my dissertation. Still, she doesn't seem to care about what happens to me. She asks, just to remind me of her order. I promised myself, since the last time, in January 2019 when I had my heart beaten abnormally because writing the assignment just two days before the deadline. I promised to manage my time well. But, until now, I cant!. I can! I can!. I can, only if I reject every social activity and focus just on my work. How?. I really wanna focus on my work and always be in a good mood. Yet, it's challenging. The result of those: bad mood.

I couldn't sleep last night, literally. Overthinking my dissertation. I watched youtube instead. I am stressed and I am very aware of it. Lonesome. I miss home; a place where my flaws are acceptable. I often feel empty. I travel but then I wonder, what is my purpose of travelling?. I don't wanna travelling just for fun!. It has to be meaningful. I travel from my flat to the campus. The same street, the same buildings I pass everyday. Different season. I am odd, in the sense that I understand myself but others cannot see. Tranquility to me is simple, I can pass a path or a street while both my body and mind being there completely, enjoying ever scene I might never find again next year. And capturing every corner of the area I pass through, which I thought quite artistic but just a mundane even ugly spot to others. I often ponder. Am I alright?. My weakness, I cannot write coherently. As this story. I am very random!